Gender Neutral

I was first introduced to the idea when I was twelve years old. My soccer team went to Japan through a sister-city exchange program. The following summer their girls team came to Los Angeles. Where they took us to ancient shogun palaces and extravagant Asian gardens, we paraded them around fake movie sets and introduced them to oversized talking mice. The girls who my family hosted wanted noodles of course and my mother made them spaghetti, not the kind they were hoping for.

But it was in Nagoya, that I first met the squatty potty, the toilet bowl in the ground. As adolescent girls, we found this difference in style to be silly and something to giggle about. Years later,when I lived in China, my American friends and I actually had a discussion once as to which style was more sanitary. Regardless, the squatty potty is gender neutral. Both male and female use this type, no other exists except in large urban areas where you can occasionally come across "Western Style" stalls.

As Ben and I venture into marriage, inevitably one of the things that would come up was the issue of the toilet seat. Believing I was beyond the cliche of those first year arguments that couples have, I boldly convinced myself that we would not argue about this one. It was pride, not selflessness that brought me to such arrogant confidence. I would not give-in to being bothered by the fact that he would constantly leave the seat up. Why should I be annoyed? He has lived this way for thirty three years (minus the years for potty training of course) and I should not insist that he changes just because I am female. But alas, I am not the selfless one I want to be and it got the better of me. Besides, my culture says I have the right to be upset and I was agitated.

"Who is to say that the toilet's correct position is with the seat down? Why should the female be the one who defines the proper presentation of the toilet?" was Ben's argument. To which I retorted, "It's our culture, an action of courtesy, Ben. It says, 'I am considerate of others.'" And I annoyingly found myself getting more agitated with his desire to defend himself. Ben went on, "Why is it the man's responsibility anyway when a woman falls into a toilet? Why don't you look before you sit down?" By this point, I was feeling as if I was the defender for women everywhere.

But marriage is not about man verses woman, it is not even about man and woman. It is about man with woman, woman with man, becoming one. I want to be considerate of Ben just as he desires to be considerate of me. So in this way, he is right. Love and respect is equally the man and woman's responsibility to each other. We both are the protectors of our covenant. Our culture will not define for us how we are to love and respect each other and I cherish this about Ben. He seeks to transcend this in the way he loves me. How can I not honor him? Since there are no gender neutral toilets this side of the hemisphere, we decided we would both put the toilet seat cover down, both actively change our lifestyles to consider the other. There have been days where we have forgotten but mostly we have kept to our promise. And it's silly, I know, but each time I go into the bathroom, it's like a silent way of saying that we desire to put one another before ourselves and I feel loved and that's a good feeling to have no matter where you are.