Funerals and Weddings

Marriage is a tomb for love. It is not my favorite Chinese saying. When I asked my students once to talk about their thoughts on love, I repeatedly heard this phrase. Needless to say, it really bothered me. But now well into my second month of marriage (a seasoned veteran, I know) I can see there is truth to it. This death- love connection.

The days leading up to the wedding people kept saying that I wouldn't really remember the day. It would all go by in a blur. It won't really matter who was there and who was not there. I adamantly disagreed and now that the wedding is over, I still hold to that thought. It did matter and it does matter. What a unique time a wedding is! Besides a funeral, it is the only time in one's life where all your family and friends from every aspect of your life over years gather together in one place. I mentioned this to my brides ladies driving home from picking them up at the airport, "Isn't that kind of morbid Sandra? Comparing your wedding to a funeral?" I guess that was the comparison I was making but there is some truth to it. This death-love connection.

They say that when you are in love everything is brighter, clearer, more effervescent. This happens too, I am told, when you are facing death. Ben and I are reading Gilead by Marilynne Robinson in the evenings. The story is an old preacher's memoirs written to his little son. In the first entries, he speaks of not knowing what is beautiful anymore for all is beautiful, even the two men who work at the garage covered in grease engaged in a simple conversation.

In love and in death, all is made beautiful. This death-love connection.

When I returned home to southern California after that first date weekend with Ben, Emily, the mom of the family I was living with, picked me up from the airport. She knew. I knew it too. Before we went into the house, she paused, after taking the keys out of ignition, and turned to look at me, "I just have one question." I smiled at her. "Are you ready, Sandra? Ready

to die to self?" she asked. And without hesitation my hear leapt for the joy that was before me, "Yes, for the first time in my life, unreservedly, yes." I think I hugged her, we prayed in the autumn sunlight that streamed into the car, and walked into the house.

Marriage is a tomb for love. Yes, I agree. A tomb for self-centered, self serving love, and as this love dies, a new love is birthed, a sacrificial, unconditional, life giving, divine love. He is found in such love, for He is this love. This death love connection.